City of Ember, but better
by Zombies8Me
Summary: Pretty much the best FanFiction ever made.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own City of Ember. I am just an innocent bystander . . . kind of.

* * *

Once upon a time, a group of drunken politicians had had too much mead at the local bar.

"Hey," said the drunkest among them. "You know what sounds like fun? A bet. Let's bet on the stars in the sky!" He waved his hands in the air, and fell off his bar stool.

"You got us thrown out of every casino in town!" the least drunk said.

"Okay, well let's do this then, who thinks if we tell a group of, say, a hundred people to going underground for two hundred years they'll do it?" the middle one who was chewing peanut shells offered.

"Sounds like fun!" they all said, and took bets.

"C'mon, nobody's going to believe that. People aren't that stupid!" one of them said.

"Ha! Have you walked outside lately? I was singing on a street corner about the jelly beans in the sky, and a lady came by, took one look at me, and ran away screaming!"

"Everyone does that when they see you sing." They all told him.

"Oo! How about we don't teach them about anything outside the city!"

"Yeah, and we'll give them only canned food!"

"Let's not teach them how to make fire though."

"And there should be a law that forces everyone above the age of two into slave labor! And the best part is, they won't know how to do their own job!"

(Of course they had to raise the age of slave labor to 13 otherwise they'd get sued.)

* * *

**Two hundred years later**, in the underground city, (but you don't know it's underground yet) all the people had mutated. Since the contractors who'd made the city, were really cheap, and didn't actually care about it, the lights broke the first day and went on and off randomly, causing the occasional seizure. The people's eyes grew to take up a third of their faces, became, literally as white as snow, and had a life expectancy of about 30 years.

A girl named Lina was sitting at her desk. She was graduating from 8th grade, and as was the law, they were forced into random slave labor because they had become communists over the two hundred years of malnutrition from expired cans goods.

She was daydreaming about running threw Ember, which was the name of the commy's city, in a red coat. (Why people really couldn't _find_ each other to talk in a tiny city is beyond me.)

The fat mayor who must be evil because he's fat, and probably the oldest person who had ever lived (50 years old!) was holding a bowl of slips of paper.

"Right then. Since we don't believe in letting you choose your own job, we've made a bunch of these, uh, paper thingies to decide your future. If you get stuck in any job but mine, you won't have health care, and I will be very sorry for you…not really but let's pretend."

A girl named Kim went first. "Brain Surgeon. BRAIN SURGEON?! I'm **13** I don't know how to do BRAIN SURGERY!!"

The mayor rolled his eyes. "As if _anyone_ here really knows how to. Next!"

Next was a boy who Lina thought's name was Tyler. "Homeless beggar. That's not a job!"

"Well someone needs to do it!" the mayor kicked him out the door. "You can live in the trash yard. Go away! You are now the most shunned of everyone!"

Next was Marcus. He read from his paper. "Drug dealer? What does that job do?"

"Oh, you know." The mayor winked. "It keeps everyone happy and stupid enough to listen to me. Wink, wink, nod, nod. Get where I'm going with this?"

Lina went up next, her knees were knocking against each other. She drew the piece of paper, "Pipesworks." She muttered.

The whole class gasped, and started laughing. "Haha! Lina got Pipesworks! Lina got Pipesworks!"

"Shut up!" she cried and ran to her emo corner to cry. "My mommy and daddy are dead! I hate my life! My life is horrible!"

"Yeah, yeah. Shut up kid. Next!" the mayor order.

It was the girl's archenemy Doon. (Yeah, like the really stupid movie.) He pulled a piece of paper out. "Messenger!" he hissed. "I didn't want to be messenger!" he shrieked.

"If you don't want it, give it back." The judge ordered.

"No. Ick mine!" he screamed and ran out the door.

* * *

Lina was out crying in the streets, when Doon came up to her.

"Haha! I got messenger! I got it you don't!" he waved the paper in front of her.

"Can I have it? Please, please, please, please, please, pleeeeeeeezzzze?"

"Maybe…for a price." He examined his nailes, one of the only things that wasn't mutating.

"Okay, how's—" and she kicked him, switched papers and ran down the street. "So long sucker!"

"Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow, owwwww!" Doon screamed. "I shall hunt you down and kill you!"

Lina went home to her old grandma (who was even older than the mayor!), and baby sister.

"Hello Lina! Guess what happened to me today!" her grandma bounced up and down.

"What?" she gasped for air after running away from Doon.

"I have an ingrown ear! It's right here." she pointed to one of the many bumps on her head, which she'd shaved bald for some reason. "And I have a bladder infection, and I'm going to have a colon escapee, and they found this weird type of organ they don't have a name for in my,"

"Grandma! That's disgusting! Ew! Ew, ew, ew, ew, ewwww! Mental imaged burned into my mind! Must clean! Must clean!" she ran to the kitchen and poured bleach threw her ears.

"Lina! Our dinner! Stop!" she grabbed the bleach bottle and poured it into a pan on the stove. "Don't waste food!"

Yeah, see the canned food had all either run out, mutated, and **literally** ran out, or tasted so horrible they ate it with bleach.

* * *

Doon was walking home when Marcus stopped him.

"Hey Doon, you look real sad want some _happy powder_?"

"I don't want your charity." He slapped him in the face. "I just got beat up by a girl! At least I _think_it was a girl…hmm. I don't really know." Doon pondered this for a moment, but that hurt his brain.

"_Doon!_" a voice called from the window above him. "Doon! Come here boy! I need you to empty my bedpan!"

"(Sigh) Yes dad." He walked inside his apartment.

"I heard you boy! Mine ears be better than you thinking they be!" he squawked. "And get your mother! I want a pizza!"

"Dad, mom's dead. Remember? Three years ago?"

"What? Again? I see where you get your laziness. Go tell your mother I need her."

"No dad. Mom. Is. Dead. Okay?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't even know you played basket ball."

"What's basket ball?"

"…Dang it boy! I'm having another heart attack! Get the doctor!"

"The doctor died. He was trying to do brain surgery on himself."

"Dang those kids. Always causing trouble."

"Never mind dad."

"See, back in my days, we had to had to climb up the side of the bank, butt naked, in six feet of snow, just to steal some money from the bank, but we'd forgotten about the 'no shoes, no shirt, no service' thing, so we had to go back and steal them from some old guy, who, who…"

"Who what?"

"I forget."

"What's snow?"

"…Hey shut up! Have we forgotten about the code?"

Doon rolled his eyes and walked to the kitchen to prepare the bugs they ate for dinner.

"The code that says, Doon, empty my bedpan! You're just like your father was before he died!"

"You _are_ my father!"

"What? I'm dead! Then why haven't you buried my body yet? Do I have to do everything by myself around here?"

"Dad. You are alive."

"I'm alive? Now boy, I will live, as others have only dared to dream." _THUD!_

"What the—" Oh great. His father had just jumped from the second story window.

Again.

"Dad? Dad are you alright?" Doon leaned out of the window.

"Ow. I think I fractured every bone in my body. And I think I see one of my organs over there."

Marcus came by. "Hey old guy. You look like you could use some happy powder."

"Why thank you little girl scout. I would love some cookies."

"Call me Girl Scout and I will rip every gut from your body, one at a time, and feed them to you on a plate!"

"What's that? Oh aren't you cute! Hey Doon! I found you a girlfriend! The only one in this city uglier than you!"

"What? That's a guy you idiot!"

Just then Marcus's new friends, with the same job came by, and started a random gang fight on the old guy.

"Ow! Hey Doon! Help me! I'm getting killed! And they took my last kidney! Oh, oh wait. Here it is! We're good! We're good!"

Doon rolled his eyes again, and went back to the kitchen, unconcerned until he heard, "Hey! We can sell his other organs for big money on the black market!"

"Hey! Stop it!" Doon ran outside, and attacked the guy holding his father's bladder. "That is my birthright! I demand my father's bladder back! I'm going to need it when I'm that old!"

"It's okay Doon, it didn't work anyway." His father was walking! How was he walking?

"How are you walking?"

"I think these nice Girl Scouts's horrible torturous beatings somehow cured me of old people disease! I've never felt so alive!" and he ran off into the darkness, came back in three minutes with a swollen face and a rat chewing on his leg.

"Boy! Get this rat off my leg." Did I mention the rats had mutated into three times their normal size?

"What happened to your face?"

"I crashed into the darkness's wall. It felt a lot like a cave wall. Like some drunken Politicians put us in here for a practical joke against stupid people! Maybe the only way out of here is through the river! So you have to go find the girl Lina who beat you up, haha by the way, and she'll have a note that'll save us all from this horrible heck hole! You must piece together the paper, get to the boats, find the candles and matches, and find the people of sparks, and then **empty my freaking bedpan!**" and he died for reals.

"Hey Doon. Your dad's pretty stupid." Marcus's friends laughed.

* * *

"It'll be a cold day in hell when I go with you to avenge your idiotic father, and find some stupid boats! And the way out of this book! I- I meant city. City is what I meant. I love this book! Okay I hate it! Hate, hate, hate, loath, hate and curses upon your head!" Lina screamed at Doon.

"Why would I avenge my father? I only want to save my own two buttcheeks!"

"What about everybody else?"

"Screw everybody else! They were all mean to me, and made me sad! EMO!"

"This doesn't even make sense. It's not like it's doomsday."

"DOOMSDAY!" the 'believers' all shrieked. "Take evasive action! Run away! Head for the hills! Head for the darkness!" And they all crashed into the wall of darkness, that did **not** resemble a cave at all.

The believers were the only kind of religion in Ember, and so everybody hated them.

"Haha. Look at the weirdos." Doon laughed. All the believers' heads turned and they smiled like a bunch of sadistic little boys with scissors.

"KEEEL HIM! KEEL THE NON-BELIEVER! HE MUST DIE! DIE, DIE, DIE!" Luckily for Doon, they were all **really** stupid, even for the people of Ember. And they promptly crashed into a wall.

See, the believers were all cannibalistic freaks who tried to kill everything and everyone, but usually just acted stupid and made themselves crash into things.

"Okay that was…weird," Lina said.

"Yeah. So are you coming to save Ember with me?"

"Ew, no! You're a boy! What would people say? Besides…You're gross. You smell like dead bugs."

"_Everyone_ here smells like dead bugs."

"I thought we didn't have this discussion for like, a week. You're messing up the story."

"I can fix that easily. Look I'll cut to the scene of us in the sewer."

* * *

"Dang it Doon! Now we're in the sewer!"

"Yeah! All you have to do is the magic lines."

"Well, stop! Hey look! Boats!"

The two ran to the boats. "There are enough here for everyone!" Lina squealed excitedly.

"I can fix that too." Doon began cutting huge holes in all the boats.

"Hey! What'd you do that for?"

"I hate everyone. I want them to all die."

"Except me right?" Lina smiled. Doon's smile was the kind that made kittens die. "Right? You're not going to go psycho or anything?"

"You. Stole. My. JOB!"

"AAAH!"

When Doon reached the surface…alone, he was then known, as MICHAEL JACKSON.

THE END!

* * *

Ah yes. That is how the tale really went. Check out my many other 'but betters' because they're amazing.

Edited by Poseida Lunar

~Zombies8Me~

copyright Zombies8Me 1/6/09


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